Monda 6^th Ma

Aa’d packed me stuff, put me geordie passport in me pink handbag an' got me croggy tuh Newcassel airport. ah struggled onto the plane wey wrapped up in me puffa jacket wi' me skis undor me arm.  The plane journey wes awful. since when did the' ban the filthy fags?? Ah treed tuh open the windaz tuh hev a sneaky tab but the' wouldn’t open. an' the' put alarms in the netty!!! 

Soon ah wes gan abacka beyont tuh a place caaled Istanbul.  Ah hev neet been this far tara hinney, Darlington since me trip tuh Chippin Neerton last yeor.

Tuesda 7^th Ma

Neebody told us that turkey wes hot!!!  It wes soon obvious that ah wasn’t gannin tuh git any skiin in heor.  See tyeuk me forst sightseein trip yeut tuh the local stores tuh see sum special brew in me seets.  Couldn’t believe that the' didn’t hev any…………aal the' had wes sum watered doon pathetic excuse fo' a gan iv lagor.  Well……….ah wes horrifeed.  See bowt the entire city’s supply iv whiskey insteed.   

A minor riot broke out today in the central market, when a small dark foreign woman, speaking an unintelligible dialect, wrenched the wooden leg from an elderly shopper shouting what sounded like "This will lyeuk perfect next tuh me giraffe",  and disappeared into the crowd.

Ah met sum iv the neighbors toda, an' ah wes shocked tuh heor the' actually did their ahn cleanin an' washin up!   Ah hev formed fair club an' ah am givin them lectures on the propor wa tuh run a household.

Frida 10th Ma

Wuh went dinin an' dancin the neet.  Daft place divvint hev chicken an' chips, see ah just sipped a harmless beverage an' nibbled on halvah. Ah divvint understand why the men aaal danced togethor, but the bords danced alone.  Neet bein yen tuh cause trouble howivvor, ah danced also. Ah myed a tidy sum cos ever'one kept throwin coins at wor. . . .

A popular local club had to be closed today after the establishment was destroyed by irate patrons.  A small dark foreign woman enraged the customers by insulting the food, the service, the staff, the decor, the sanitation, the music, and random diners.  She then jumped to her feet, went into what appeared to be some sort of seizure, shouting "Hooway the Toon", finally stealing all the tips from the tables before she left.  Her companions left the establishment sometime during her insane fit and could not be found for comment.

Ah planned on shoppin agyen, but me partnor said he wud run errands fo' wor insteed.  The longor ah am heor, the mare ah find that people are anxious that ah shud rest an' neet gan yeut thor at aaal!  The' are evidently over-concerned abyeut sunborn heor.   Ah managed tuh git this canny housedress the othor da thowt.  Ah like the dut cos ah divvent hev tuh spike me hair befair ah gan yeut.

Police and special assault teams were called to the British embassy today when the staff reported that a small dark foreign woman broke in, barricaded herself in the Ambassador's bathroom and was repeatedly flushing the toilet and laughing hysterically.  She is believed to have taken someone as hostage, because police could hear her repeating "Yas see propor Netty", over and over.  When finally apprehended, the woman was told she had 24 hours to leave the country if she promised to never return again. (photos courtesy of Istanbul Broadcasting)

Fo' sum reason, the city is on the verge iv bein put undor martial laaw.  The news is full iv riots an' complaints abyeut the tourism policy heor.  Aah divvent knar why people canna act civil when the' visit anuthor country.  It will be canny tuh git hyem howivvor.  People heor seem geet excityeble. 

Me host gev wor this new outfit an' insisted ah weor it tuh the the airport.  Neet bein yen tuh cause trouble, ah says aye.  He seemed oddly relieved that ah agreed.    

So hinny diary, me trip is endin, but ah canna wait until ah tek anuthor!  Travel is see broadenin.