this
is your Life. . . . . this
is your Life. . . . .
canny
Besides being a singer of outstanding caliber, our canny has made a name for himself as a Biblical and classical scholar. Recently he has discovered an ancient set of scrolls featuring heretofore untold versions of some of old Testament. Even though these discoveries may cause him ridicule and disgrace in the theological community, we salute canny for his dedication to detail and his devotion to revealing the truth at any cost.
Genesis ReVisited
The Creation:
in the beginnin god created the heavens an' the earth, an' the earth wes waste an' void; an' darkness wes upon the face iv the deep: an' god said, let thor be leet: an' thor wes leet. an' god saaw the leet, that it wes canny. . .
an' god said, let wor myek gadgie in wor image, eftor wor likeness: an' god created gadgie in eez ahn image, an' god said, it is neet canny that the gadgie shud be alone; ah will myek him a help meet fo' him. an' god caused a deep sleep tuh faal upon the gadgie, an' he slept; an' he tyeuk yen iv eez rib, an' god myed he a bord, an' browt hor unto the gadgie. therefair shaal a gadgie leev eez fethor an' eez ma, an' shaal cleev unto eez wife: an' the' shaal be yen flesh. an' the' weor both buff, the gadgie an' eez missus.
Garden of Eden, proven by canny to have been located between the Rivers Ponte and Tyne
an' god wes just abyeut done wi' creatin the universe but he had two extra things left owor in eez bag see he decided tuh split them inatween adam an' eve. he told them that yen iv the things he had left wes a thin that wud allaa the ownor tuh pee while standin up. "it's a geet handy thin," god told them, "and ah wes wonderin if eithor yen iv yee wud like that." well, adam jumped up an' doon an' begged "oh, give that tuh us! i'd hin tuh be yeble tuh dee that.
it seems just the sort iv thin a gadgie shud be yeble tuh dee. please. please! pleeease! givitivus." on an' on he went like an excited little hinney. so eve just smiled an' told god that if adam deed wanted it see badly, he shud hev it. so god gev adam the thin that allowed him tuh pee while standin up an' he wes see excited. he whizzed on the bark iv a tree an' then went off tuh write eez nyem in the sand, laughin wi' deleet aaal the while. god an' eve watched him
fo' a ma an' then god said tuh eve, "well, here's the othor thin an' ah guess yee gan hev it."
"what's it caaled?" eve asked. "brains" god said.
Then god commanded the gadgie, sayin, iv evarry tree iv the garden thou mayest freely eat: but iv the tree iv the knowledge iv canny an' evil, thou shalt neet eat iv it. na the serpent wes mare subtle than any beast iv the field, an' he said unto the bord, if ye eat iv the tree iv canny an' evil, then yor eyes shaal be opened, an' ye shaal be as god, an' when the bord saaw that the tree wes canny fo' scran, an' that it wes a deleet tuh the eyes, an' that the tree wes tuh be desired tuh myek yen wise, she tyeuk iv the fryeut, an' did eat; an' she gev also unto hor husband wi' hor, an' he did eat. When god foond yeut, he drove adam an' eve frum the garden, see the' settled in a canny little place neor shildon instyeed, an' grew fruitful an' multipleed.
Neeah an' the Ark:
Many, many centuries ago thor wes a terrible storm an' a few weeks befair the storm a local shipbuildor neeticin the dark clouds buildin up decided tuh use the yellaa pages an' phone geet or dreary (god) the wetha predictors, the' told the lad (neeah) that a storm front wes buildin an' that their wes a chance iv it rainin fo' somethin like 40 days an' 40 neets. na neeah knew, this that it wud leed tuh a class deal iv floodin, see he decided to build a ship see muckle that he cud carry aaal eez pets/family an' friends tuh safety.
See he started buildin this ship, an' people saaw that it wes muckle, one local lad said "whey yu buggor man, its flippin massive lyke". soon ward iv eez ship spreed across tyneside an' on tuh far iv lands like jarra (in fact evon furthor, wa doon past darlington lyke), an' on hearin iv this news geordies an' others decided tuh ax if they an' aaal cud cum wi' him. bein a friendly geordie, neeah wud sa "nae problem lyke, just brin yor lass oon the bairns, cos aam sure aal find space fo' them lyke" an' see the' cyem, an' cyem, an' cyem….
Neeah soon realised that wi' aaal these people askin tuh cum wi' him he wud hev tuh limit the numbor iv pets people cud tek wi' them, he eventually arrived at lettin anny two animals iv each type aboard (male an' female). wi' this he wud hev tuh (unhappily) use selective discrimination, eftor aaal, thor wud be nee point in takin sa 6 ferrets an' nee mice as this wud leed tuh the extinction iv mice.
Luckily fo' neeah, he just managed tuh finish eez ship an' git aaal the things on board he needed, just befair the heavens opened an' the storms began. as the rain fell neeah unteed the ark an' the ship began tuh float yeut tuh sea. unfortunately, as nee yen had invented sails or engines, neeah wud hev tuh drift wi' the tides…
Wey, wuh aaal knar wot then happened, the rain stopped an' neeah set yeut a magpie an' it cyem back wi' a TOON army scarf in its myeuth, neeah then new he wes back on the promised land. neeah, eez family/pets an' friends etc disembarked an' life carreed on..
The wealth of material that canny has found and translated is far too much for this tribute page, but we know that you will all buy a copy of his book "canny's new lyeuk at the Bible lyke", as soon as it is published.
Sources close to canny have revealed that he has already begun plans for his next scholarly work, "canny's new lyeuk at Shakespeare lyke". With his usual meticulous style, canny has discovered the secret behind the Bard's identity (a lad from North Shields), and the clever hoax that southerners have perpetuated on the world all these centuries. He will share his research into the original versions of such greats as: "the tamin iv the shrew", midsummer's neet dream", "all's wey that ends wey", an' "the merry wives iv windsor".
**Midi: "Local Hero"