'Twas three weeks befawa christmas an' in santa's hoos,

Dixen wes tryin tuh tyem a wild moose.

She just showed up yen neet, yeut iv thin air,

Sayin "Santa, I'll run things, neeo that ahm heor."

The elves weor aaal graftin, things weor aal canny,

Then she cyem alang an' began kickin fanny.

Mistress Claus wes upset an' Santa wes frantic--

When dixen arrived aaal started tuh panic.

Filthy fags in the toy shop, jar cans in the snoor.

She ate aaal the haggis an' spit on the floor .

Hor stockings weor flung aaal owor the place

An' the reindeor stampeded when the' saaw hor face.

She myed santa's helpers aaal graft double time,

An' she taught them tuh sin Fog on the Tyne.

She myed santa shev an' burned eez red syeut.

In a pink pufta jacket she thowt he's lyeuk cute.

Santa lost weeet an' grew geet thin;

He lost eez Ho Ho an' eez jolly grin.

Mistress claus had a break-doon, tara hinney, nerves whey aye,

See she left fo' Reno in the blink iv an eee.

Santa moved tuh the stables tuh live wi' the deer,

He wes scared fo' eez life when dixen wes neor.

"Na, Dashor! neeo, Dancor! neeo Prancor an' Vixen!

On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donder an' Blitzen!

She canny sta forivvor, she hez tuh gan hyem,

An' in a few yeors, we'll forget that she cyem.